LONG STORY SHORT.

YEP... We're back, babies!

To recap on the past TWO YEARS AND 3 MONTHS since I last wrote I thought I'd do a quick(ish) run down of all the chaos that has ensued (spoiler: there's some excellent date titbits below) before we get cracking on any 'new' stuff. This is maybe boring, we'll see, but here we go.

FEBRUARY - AUGUST 2022:

Being honest, during this time I mostly rolled around in pain with kidney stones, languished in bed and/or sat in hospital waiting rooms. I finally got the diagnosis of Hyperparathyroidism (HPT) in April but was initially too run down to have surgery so had a totally enjoyable 3 months of attempting to be more well, experiencing off-the-scale insomnia, loading Vitamin D into my system like it was crack, having 100 million blood tests and - a particular highlight - completing a really delightful 24-hour urine collection. I'll maybe write more about all this at some point as I am aware no one has heard of Hyperparathyroidism (and NO, it isn't the same as or related whatsoever to anything to do with your thyroid) but there's some info on my IG if you're curious.

APRIL 2022:

In the midst of all the health STUFF, I left London after a decade in the BIG SMOKE. That sounds so dramatic, but I actually just moved to Kent to 1. pay less rent, 2. to be closer to my Mumma (bless me) and 3. get some fresh air and SPACE. Overall, it was a pretty bleak old time, I'll be honest. I was SO chuffed to be down here (my new home town is literally delightful) but some days I was so poorly I couldn't make it out of bed and/or I spent days crying about nothing. The way HPT fucks with your hormones is REAL, kids. Despite all that, I knew immediately I'd made the right decision to move.

JUNE 2022:

For some reason known only to my delulu past self, I decided to go on two horrendous local dates in Summer 22 (... I set my Hinge catchment area to literally 3 miles. I absolutely cannot with myself.) I made the date plans on days where I was 'more well' and met a Canadian guy with a fiancée back home (I didn't know at the time, obvs, but I later bumped into them in Co Op when she was over here visiting) and an actor/model who was so obsessed with himself he took selfies mid-dinner, mid-sentence of him sipping wine. He also had only one button of his shirt done up, so at this point I basically wrote-off the Kent dating scene.

AUGUST 2022:

I had surgery. Hell, horror etc.

SEPTEMBER-DECEMBER 2022:

My kidney stones wheeled it up and sent me back to hospital in September, which was cute of them, especially when I was still recovering from surgery. My hair started falling out and they did more tests on me to rule out a genetic disease, so I had more shitty days and hospital waits. Yada yada, yawn. I love Christmas anwyay but I was SO pleased to see Christmas 2022 and to close the book on my annus horribilis.

JANUARY 2023:

I decided to go on one date, as I was full of hope for 2023. D booked us drinks at a Salsa bar, where the entire place turns into a en-masse Salsa lesson at 8pm. As in, EVERYONE dances. But he refused to dance. So I was sort of making the best of a bad situ, dancing at our table, when the Salsa instructor saw me, came over, grabbed my hand and made me his teaching partner for the entire rest of the night (on stage) while my date sat and drank cocktails alone. At the end of the night D said he'd had such a nice time with me and wanted to do it again. This was entirely confusing as I think I'd had about an hour sitting with him before the (very needed) kidnap occurred. I declined the second date.

FEBRUARY 2023-MAY 2023:

A small glimmer of faith that not ALL men are trash came in the form of my ACTUAL BOYFRIEND in early 2023. I met E around Valentine's Day and we actually had a lovely four months. It moved quite quickly and he took me to a Spa for my birthday which was honestly so nice and so needed given the past 12 months. But, his mental health wasn't in the best shape and it just pushed us apart - he needed to get happy alone and I understood that. The good news is, having had a little stalk on social media recently I can see he is thriving.

SUMMER 2023:

I'm going to say this is the closest to a (small) Hot Girl Summer I have had in a LONG TIME. I went on some fun, boozy dates with some really brilliant guys. I set my Hinge catchment area to pick up London again (not just Kent) so I think this might have been the winning formula.

FALL-CHRISTMAS 2023:

I apparently decided dating was a fair-weather / Summer game and didn't really date in this time. I mean, it had been coming for a while but I absolutely had dating app burn-out and I deleted them all in a fit of independence. Oh, I did get taken on a first date to Novikov (I was so underdressed) by a flash bastard dressed head-to-toe in designer, but he turned out to be a true horror, which is no real surprise let's be honest. A HUGE HIGHLIGHT was my first neice being born, baby Daphne, and so I forgot all about men and just leaned into Auntie life. AKA the best life.

JANUARY-PRESENT DAY 2024:

Still with me? We're almost there, I promise . It was at a random RnB bottomless brunch (the beginning of all good modern day love stories I'd say) at the end of January where I met the MAIN CHARACTER of 2024 and the first guy I've fallen in proper love with in a LONG TIME. Sigh. M and I are no longer together (that's really fresh news and I am still having small random, regular cries) but it's been the best time ever and I wouldn't change a THING. I probably won't write another word about him on this blog as space here is reserved for the deranged, bad/funny stories only.

YESTERDAY 2024:

Those of you who follow my IG will already know that D The Absolute Psycho (famous from THIS POST) and who I dated 4.5 years ago, made a burner account to pretend to be a girly and DM me asking me: 'when is the blog coming back' / 'me and the girls loved reading it' / 'what is your relationship status now' / 'would you say you've been promiscuous' and a host of other VERY SUS, VERY CONCERNING questions. So actually, we have that totally unhinged behaviour to thank for this blog being back up and running because I'd been thinking about it anyway, and he pushed me along the way. So thank you, D, if you're reading (I know you are) and I hope you manage to work through some of your issues soon.

L x