ANXIOUS? ME...?!

Hi gang, hope you're all good? Happy Halloween Eve. Sorry, it's been a while after my brief resurgence in writing regularly on here, and just to say that all the encouragement and support I got on the last few posts was so nice and SO appreciated.

But, I'll be honest, I've been feeling completely uninspired about what to write and I think it's finally happened: I am now completely out of funny/traumatising dating stories. Gasps. And, just saying, even though I love you all, I am not willing to go anywhere near Hinge/Bumble or, God forbid, Tinder, to get anymore content. Plus, I don't even have the energy to do anything reckless just 'for the plot'... So, what now!?

Anyway, all of that will explain why today's post is kind of aimless, kind of lacking in any sort of punchy narrative and instead is a bit of a brain dump of the things I am currently (most) anxious about. Because a problem shared is a problem halved, writing is my therapy, and because I thought if anyone can relate to anything on this list, they could get in touch and we could virtually hold each other, sing kumbaya together or at least share some advice.

WORRY #1: My baby pup, Twiglet <3

To anyone who follows me on IG and TikTok AND is reading this blog I am absolutely not sorry for the amount of puppy spam that I've FIRED at you the past month. Twiglet is the best, cutest, brightest and funniest little puppy ever who loves me so much (and adores everyone she meets!). She's already the best decision I've ever made, hands down.

Prior to picking her up on 23rd September, I'd read every blog, watched every advice/training video, posted questions in forums, messaged my lovely - and patient - breeder multiple times a day for advice and fretted over every possible TINY thing (I thought) there was to worry about. And then, she came home, and my anxiety viciously attacked me. My anxiety kicked me in the boob, punched me in the face, chewed me up and spat me out.

I'm not afraid to say it: I thought "Puppy Blues" were a bit if a myth. But, christ, let me tell you I am here to confirm, they are a very real thing. You love the little pup so much, but you're getting no sleep (one night my FitBit recorded 1 hour 37 mins for the entire night, 2 hours 3 mins the next), you can't go out, showers are 3 mins and rushed listening to crying / howling, your entire house is weed and pooped on, everything is are chewed and destroyed, they bite your hands and feet consistently. EVEN IF you know this is all coming, it hits you like a ton of bricks.

The past couple of weeks we've really got into the swing of it. She's learning SO quickly, enjoys her little routine AND she can now be left for up to 2 hours on her own without crying. Which means this Dog Mumma went to HomeSense and bought some emotional support candles, just because. IT WAS HEAVEN.

But the list of things I'm worried about surrounding my 1.1kg sidekick of fluff and boggly eyes never eases up. This week she's beginning to walk on a lead and I'm terrified of her eating something off the ground and getting sick, a big dog attacking her, a dog robber (?) grabbing her from me and running away, her slipping out of her harness and disappearing etc etc. You see how exhausting this is?!

WORRY #2: Being unemployed / finding a job

In July me and my team were made redundant completely out of the blue, which was a really lovely slap round the face and super convenient when you're in your mid-30s hoping/trying to buy a house in the next year. Even better is that the CEO of the company never bothered to speak to any of us again from the moment we were told (not by her) that we had to leave, despite us having over a decade of service at the business combined.

Immediately, I went into 'work mum' mode and did my absolute best to look after my team through it all. We spent many an hour on the phone workshopping the legal process of redundancy, figuring out next steps, polishing CVs and portfolios and trying to find comfort and reassurance that we were all in it together. I felt nothing but huge pride when my 'babies' got brilliant new jobs super quickly.

But what about me? I'm harder to employ, for sure, as I'm much older, more senior in experience and my requirements for a job are WAY more specific now than they were 10 years ago. The job market is hell on earth and LinkedIn is a minefield of 'open to work' profiles competing for the same roles.

If I'm completely honest, I'm also super untrusting of seemingly nice management teams because of how quick and heartlessly we were dropped from somewhere I'd felt relatively safe for almost 5 years. Full disclosure: if life had happened in a different order and the universe hadn't done a wild one, my 'ideal plan' was to get a house, reduce my monthly outgoings, step away from the corporate grind and potentially retrain (nails, perm makeup) to run a little business from home. So, I'm a little demotivated by the WHOLE THING.

I think I've been experiencing a bit of a delayed reaction to all of that stress in the past month or so, and whilst I am having some really great meetings / interviews with business owners, CEOs and recruiters, I'm just struggling to stay positive and really connect with a role in the way I'd want to. When I can't sleep at night I think about how I need a job to buy a house (finally), and I need a house so Twiglet can have a little garden and what if I can't do that for her. I am my own worst, over-thinking enemy.

WORRY #3: What if my ex is The One (yes, really hahaha)

You might remember I wrote recently that me and my ex are no longer together, and, well, I'm still not going to give any specific details because the whole thing is too precious to me BUT my current worry is that we really ARE each other's person and we can't let this pass us by... despite current circumstances.

Meeting and dating M was the first time I'd EVER got that feeling: "this guy could be The One." We said to each other many times that something about 'us' felt a bit like fate. We had the best times! I introduced him to my Mum and then my wider family... and that tells you everything you need to know because that hasn't happened in a decade.

Things ended because he needs to do some work on him - which I respect and agree with - and he feels he needs to do that without the added pressure of a relationship, someone else depending on him - which I understand. We're on great terms, in practical ways he's still one of my best friends and gives the best advice, but we have to keep physical (lol) and emotional distance because with feelings still there on both sides, we could slip into old habits easily without even noticing it.

The main issue is: neither of us are getting any younger. I am 35, he's 39... and I HATE even typing that because no timeline is the right timeline, everyone's story is different, don't rush through life etc etc etc. But I have this horrible nagging feeling that says we need to just hurry up and fix us, fix him... work on fixing things together... because we're GOOD together. We'd spoken a lot about a potential future, the idea of kids (which we'd both like and something that IS time-sensitive) and our morals align on so many of the 'big' life things. It's so hard because I have no choice but to respect his need for time alone, but that doesn't meant I don't feel anxious and overthink the whole thing on a daily basis. Because, as you may be gathering by now, I am a worrier: It's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me.

And - here's where the #spiral goes - if it's NOT meant to be him... then how on earth do I begin to move on and find the bother to meet and date anyone else?! Do I bother? Does Twiglet need a father figure?! All joking aside, I truly don't think I've got any first-date small talk left and even if it would - admittedly - make a good blog post, I have PTSD from experiencing too many unhinged men. Maybe I am meant to be Twiglet's Dog Mum and Daphne's Auntie Lizzie and maybe that is simply enough.

Thanks for 'listening'. Lx