35 THINGS...

Gang, I've just re-read Dolly Alderton's Everything I Know About Love and let me tell you, it hit just the same if not BETTER now than it did when I read it in my 20s. What a book. It's funny, heartbreaking, life-affirming and at times it literally feels like she's writing my most inner thoughts. If you've not read it, you need to do so expeditiously. You heard.

Through the book Dolly includes lists of 'everything she knows' about love/relationships/dating at different ages and, because imitation is the highest form of flattery, I've decided to share 35 things I know about all of THAT at 35.

Buckle up.

1. Sometimes (annoyingly) you actually are the problem. I'm not afraid to say now that I was probably hard to date in my late 20s. I wore my trust issues quite heavily and I demanded a lot from the person I was with. I can confidently say now that I am whole and healed all on my own and that makes me a better partner.

2. Dating anyone whose name begins with D is a very risky business. I said what I said.

3. Dating anyone whose name begins with a J is almost as bad.

4. Once you've broken up with someone for the first time, you'll handle rejection better from that point on. It's a weird one but I always used to be the dumped not the dumper. Then I started learning exactly what I do/don't want and had to end a couple of relationships. Once you've done it, you see that rejection isn't always cold and mean and harsh, it's just a thing that sometimes has to happen to set you (both) on the right path.

5. In my experience, who a guy follows on social media actually DOES say a lot about him. I'm sure all the men reading this will disagree loudly but following 700 IG models unfortunately does paint a picture, and that is usually the correct picture.

6. Love bombing is sometimes quite hard to identify, but a definite sign is when they start calling you 'beautiful' in texts very early on. Run away.

7. Sometimes, you'll know you're going to be ghosted but even once it's happened a few times and you think you've got it sussed, it WILL happen again when you least expect it and you won't see it coming.

8. Dating older men doesn't necessarily mean they are more mature or emotionally developed. Sorry.

9. Dating younger men sometimes means you've got a doer-upper on your hands. Don't put too much effort into the renovations because the little bastards will often break up with you once they're the finished article.

10. Give 97% of people one chance. Give 2% of people a second chance. Give 1% of people a third chance. You've got to TRY and give people the benefit of the doubt; most people do fuck up but it's if it becomes a pattern you have to abandon mission.

11. Farting in your sleep is a fact of life, you can't stop it with willpower just because there's someone in your bed.

12. Holding in your (awake) farts gives you the worst tummy ache known to man and/or makes you constipated. My top tip when you've got someone round is to fart into a bit of crumpled up toilet paper to muffle the sound.

13. Your happily coupled / engaged / married friends will try to live a bit vicariously through you for quite a few years. They will say unintentionally annoying things like "I just can't imagine having to be on a dating app' and you just have to smile and nod. (Ultimately, telling my friends my stories and seeing their reactions is what made me start the blog, I guess, so thank you guys!)

14. Watching your friends fall in love / get engaged / married / have babies is totally wonderful and a bit soul destroying, especially as you move (alone) into your (mid) 30s. It's ok to acknowledge it's really hard, you're not a bad person AT ALL.

15. In the words of Dolly: everything really does change. Your childhood friends become Mums and some of them will completely drop off radar, they will get married and disappear. They're just busy and it doesn't mean you don't like each other. Things will be absolutely fine when you do see each other, but it is just different.

16. Hearing your friends' birth horror stories told LOUDLY over a cold glass of white wine in a packed pub will never not be funny. "And then my flaps were wafting in the wind..."

17. Don't talk so much on the first date you don't notice whether or not your date actually has a personality.

18. Don't drink so much on the first date that you don't notice whether or not your date actually has a personality.

19. Every time you get your heart broken you realise you'd forgotten how bad it felt last time... but that also means you got through it once (or twice or three times) and you will again.

20. When you're heartbroken it's tempting to go to bed really early and just try to sleep to forget everything. 9 out of 10 times this won't work and there is nothing worse than laying in a hot, messy, over-stimulating bed of distress, writhing around with your thoughts. The duvet will get twisted, the pillow will feel all wrong., the bottom sheet will ping off a corner. Instead, stay up late and be PROPERLY tired before you tuck yourself in.

21. Staying at a guys house is almost always GRIM. Have them to yours.

22. Do not under estimate how important it is to be best friends with the person you're dating. It sounds like an old cliché but it literally HAS to be true.

23. Eight UTIs in a year isn't just because your partner is pretty well-endowed (LOL). It could be an underlying health issue that you really should go to the doctor about. Gaslighting yourself into thinking it's fine for the best part of a decade doesn't solve anything.

24. Holding hands and walking along with someone you love is one of life's little pleasures and you are totally allowed to feel all girly and smug.

25. If someone tells you you're too emotional, it's usually because they are emotionally constipated. It's giving JEALOUS.

26. Being smooth and hairless 24/7 is unrealistic for most of us and you'll care a LOT less about this in your 30s vs your 20s.

27. When a man says on his dating profile he is looking for a partner to 'be his peace' he means he wants someone he can walk all over. He doesn't want you to confront him with anything he might need to work on/change; he'd really like you to shutup, cater to his needs and be ok with everything he throws your way.

28. Trying to date someone JUST because they are nice to you won't work.

29. If you're really unsure what to do about a relationship, have a long hot bath and drink wine while you soak. Some sort of epiphany usually happens for me in there and the next steps become clear (usually if you're not sure the answer is dump him).

30. There will be no need to analyse, plot, strategise, think twice, monitor, workshop or deep dive on anything to do with the right person. When people say it will be EASY and you'll JUST KNOW, believe them.

31. At some point, you'll have (another) epiphany and decide to 'date outside your type' as an experiment. My advice is: don't hold on to too high hopes for this project. It's a phase.

32. 'Not knowing' where you stand means you actually know EXACTLY where you stand, you just don't want to admit it out loud yet.

33. Everyone (I believe) takes their phone to the loo and everyone (I hope) poos in a day. If he's ignoring your text but says he's been too busy 'all day', that's a fib. It takes 2 minutes to reply while you poo?!

34. How someone respects and views your time is more important than you even realise it is. I have always said no guy is taking me out or coming to my house after 9pm if we're not in a relationship, and for the most part I've stuck to that. My guidelines are: 6-8pm for an evening date. 7-9pm for a cinema date. 9-10pm is probably only a Netflix & Chill scenario. 10pm-later means they literally just wanna bang and leave. If you make plans with someone for 8pm and they say they won't make it till half 9, cancel the date... it won't be what you think it's going to be.

35. Lots of people come into your life for a lesson, a season or a reason. Don't fight any of it. The RIGHT person will come into your life and stay.

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What would you add to this list? Let me know. L x