FALLEN AT THE FIRST HURDLE.

Guys it's been a while (again!) I last blogged almost four weeks ago and I'd absolutely love to tell you that I've been awol because I've met the LOML and no longer need to go on dates with walking, talking (handsome) red flags. But alas, dear readers, the man of my dreams still evades me and much of my time has been taken up by watching The Crown, obsessively googling the Royal family, and eating. So, that's that.

Anyway, in-between putting on a phenomenal amount of weight, I have been at least gathering content for this new post so all is not lost.

In the same way I posted last about people's very specific (see: psychotic + hilarious) opinions on what makes a red flag, I've also been asking pals far and wide about the worst dating app "openers" they've experienced, and trawling the archives of my screenshots folder for the most NOT OKAY lines I've been subjected to. Enjoy!

"I won't ask about lockdown because that's boring, so let me ask you how you feel about polygamy?"

This made me absolutely howl - get straight to the point why don't you?! - and luckily the person who sent me this also sent me the rest of the conversation after this PUNCHY opener. When she enquired why he wanted to know her feelings on the subject he explained he was, and I quote, "considering testing that sort of set up" with "maybe three women" for 2021. Big plans, hun. Big plans.

"Netflix? Chill? Sex?"

This was a legitimate opening message - to me - from a kindly gentleman on Hinge (you expect this more from Tinder, right?!). I mean aside from the fact it's just not acceptable chat - and I don't think we even needed the 'sex?' on the end to be clear about what he was after - it's LESS acceptable in the midst of a nationwide lockdown and global pandemic. The thing is, I chuffing match with these guys don't I?! What warning signs am I not seeing on their profiles? H E L P.

"Yo."

Short and sweet (?) and MAYBE fine if followed by a little more; a question or literally anything else of substance. But no, this was in reply to a friendly, chatty opener from the babe who submitted this. And so it transpired that "yo" was the one and only word the guy ever wrote because I cba and unmatched. Why do we bother?

"LIZ LIZ LIZZYYY what's good bbe?"

If you've read all my posts from the beginning of the blog, you know how triggering this is for me. I mean if the double Liz and a 'bbe' wasn't bad enough, he went for Lizzie with a 'Y' which is a lovely name, but not my name. The conversation didn't go much further, I have to tell you kids.

"Are you into BDSM?"

There are no words really guys. He said he was *joking* but I'd say he was clearly deadly serious based on some other bits he dropped into conversation. I entertained the cha for a bit, because fun and for the plot, but all in all a bit of a terrifying opener tbh.

"I know where you live ya knowww.."

This one is absolutely stunning, isn't it? And it took a while for this friend to work out HOW the guy knew - he wasn't from her area and she'd never seen him before. After some days of creepy (he thought very funny) chat it turned out he'd already seen her on Instagram (?), gone through her profile (?) and worked out from her tagged locations (?) that she was from a small village in Buckinghamshire. So, relief all round that he didn't know which road or HOUSE specifically but mega serial killer vibes.

"You look like hard work and high maintenance."

I'd like to clarify from the off here that this girl is not hard work or high maintenance. I think this guy was probably going for the "mean to make her keen" approach but its 2020, none of us are getting any younger and it just ain't cute no more. I personally enjoy a good affection-to-roast balance when I'm in a comfortable relationship but I cba with insults from guys on dating apps, and neither could this babe. Unmatched reason: Inappropriate behaviour. Lols.

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Promise next time I'll blog a full dating story - I've got a few saved in the drafts but just can't quite finish them yet. Leave me a comment and tell your mates to subscribe, thank youuuu! L x