WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

This post is not about one man or one date. To keep things exciting, this one is about all the kind, kind compliments I have been given by men and my vague attempts to explain some context around the few case studies. The world is full of rampant lunatics, team.

PSA: All names have been changed here but most of these guys are still in active circulation on the apps (ESPECIALLY Manu) so be vigilant, stay alert and stay home, or whatever Boris said.

"Rude, fat, arrogant, aggressive"

Manu (Hinge) was a watch maker by trade. Tall, dark, handsome - you guys know the drill. From the start, his sense of humour was a little punchy - he opted for quite harsh 'lad' banter from the go - but sometimes he was laugh-out-loud funny, I'll give him that. We'd been speaking for a few weeks but we were turning into pen pals; he had no ambition to ever ask me out, I'd decided.

So, in the name of not wasting my precious time, I'd slowed down my replies, toned down my natural chattiness and wouldn't prioritise messaging him if I was busy with work/friends. He, quite frankly, did not like this one bit.

M: You're rude, fat and arrogant. You've got time to post a status but no time to text back.

(Note: I hadn't replied to his last message, but he had replied to me asking about his day with 'good thanks' - no question back for me to reply to. On my WhatsApp status - not sure why I was posting there so let's skim over that - I'd posted a selfie of me in my new PJ's ready for bed at my mums, as you do.)

Me: Hahahaha really?

M: Looking like you need to go on a diet for real. Why not just reply to me? Your "hahaha" is so aggressive... You're a case and a half.

In a strange turn of events, Manu (or one of his multiple personalities, perhaps) messaged a week later "Hey beautiful"...

"Aggressive" (Part II)

Turns out I'm quite the ferocious little thing, me. Not too long after Manu told me I was aggressive... It happened again. Let me know via contact form if I should self-examine on this one...?

Dave was one of those numbers you have saved in your phone with no recollection of how it got there. I truly have no memory of conversing with him - either in real life or on WhatsApp - until the day he decided to send me an unsolicited dick pic.

Legs akimbo, freshly moisturised thighs and Little Dave saying a big hello.

Me: Who is this? You absolutely can't think sending that is OK!?

D: I wondered if it would get your attention or whether you weren't into things like that?

Me: Things like a dick pic I didn't ask for, from someone I don't know?

D: It's a bit of fun and thought it would start a conversation. How are you doing babe?

Me: Genuinely, you can't be in your right mind. How do we know each other / do we know each other? What am I meant to do with that pic?

D: Ohhh so you're one of *those* girls who think they're better than everyone. Shame. There's no need to be aggressive.

"Annoying as hell..."

I wish this was a joke but Dan, as it turns out, valued his own walking space very, VERY much.

D: When we walked to the shop earlier, I don't know if you noticed but you kinda bumped into me once, maybe twice, and honestly I find that annoying as hell.

Me: Are you serious? I maybe brushed arms with you, I think?

D: Yeah honestly it's one of the things in life that makes me so angry. So can you just stay out of my space* and walk properly. Really, I mean it, I cannot stand it.

*Interestingly, the "stay out of my space" rule didn't apply all the time. E.g. When he was horny.

"Literally psychotic and paranoid."

S was (unfortunately) hanging around for about 6 months.

More than a handful of times when we were in bed a girl called Amy (I changed her name too because I'm a sweetheart) would call him, and so eventually, I cracked and demanded to know what she could possibly want from him at 2am, 4am, 8am, 11pm. In my most cool, non-confrontational voice, obvs.

A: You're literally psychotic and paranoid to even ask me about her. Anyone can call me at any time, I don't have control over that. I have control over who I call.

Me: I understand that, but I don't have random men calling me in the middle of the night and I think if I did you wouldn't love it. Who is she to you? Perhaps you should message her and explain you're spending time with someone... Me... and it's better she doesn't call at all hours.

A: She's an old friend and I haven't even told my brother about you, so why would I tell her? You're a psycho if you feel threatened and this sort of thing really makes me go off a girl.

Turns out, mere weeks after we ended our situationship S and Amy took a cute couples holiday to Mykonos. So cute.

"Trashy, classless, disgusting."

Oh fancy that, a shameless link through to another one of my posts about Hot American Brad for some more name-calling lols.

Thanks so much to everyone for the amazing response to this blog so far. Guest posts coming soon. L x