STAMPING STONE.

In the same way that a training bra tries to prepare us for having a life of underwire digging us in the ribs, the way a dress rehearsal is the time to 'make all the mistakes now so they don't happen again", and in the same way that life often presents us with a series of lessons in the form of "stepping stones" to get us where we want to be, I, I'm afraid to announce, am a warm-up girlfriend.

This is a realisation that has really slapped me round the face during the past few months where I have been doing some totally alone, gloriously-single reflection and examination of who I am, what I want in a man, and where I've been going so disastrously wrong. It was about time to take a moment, let's be honest.

Side note - I've also been in hospital with kidney stones, been diagnosed with Hyperparathyroidism and moved to Kent... but more on ALLA THAT when I can be bothered to blog it and that, my huns, is my very valid excuse for having not written in bloody ages. I'm falling to pieces, quite frankly.

ANYWAY. I have concluded that I attract, and am attracted to, men who aren't quite where they want to be... yet. Men who need a lot of time, love, attention, guidance, encouragement... and a safety blanket while they 'work life out'. Which is brilliant because as it transpires, once they've worked it out, they disappear from my life in a blaze of newly-found glory.

My first ever boyfriend, M, was the cool kid at school and uni. His group of guy mates relied on him to have the best house parties (because his parents had a MASSIVE house), he had the custom Nike-ID trainers circa 2008 before everyone else (because I bought them for him) and he was the one who organised the five-a-side football team on a Saturday. That kind of guy.

We were absolutely heads over heels in puppy love and quite fancied ourselves as the 'it' couple in our social circle, I'll admit. What I didn't find out until about a year after we broke up is that he prolifically cheated on me during the last three years of our relationship (we were together over five years). He was banging girls at uni (most of whom I actually met just to add another layer of SAVAGE), on holiday, after nights out... you get the picture. Prolific.

Once the cat was out of the bag and he realised how much that had hurt me (even retrospectively), and mostly because of how much respect he lost from his (our) mates, he pulled it together and never did it again. In fact, in all his relationships since then he was the MODEL boyfriend, and then married a really lovely girl with whom he now has three cute AF kids. He really got it ALL out of his system with me, found his conscience, and re-branded as a GENUINELY nice guy. Stunning for me. 10/10.

The next big love of my life, K, was a bit of a lost soul in 2014. He's always been super talented and creative, but at that time he was working in retail doing annoying shifts, and had not long been dropped from a semi-pro football club which had left his confidence on the floor and his mental health shaky. And... wait, what's this? Right on queue, there's little old me arriving in his life to save the chuffing day. I can't.

It's no exaggeration to say that I spent so, so many days and nights insisting and convincing him that he could do anything he put his mind to. I wrote and re-wrote his CV with him. I sat on the phone for hours and counselled him through self-doubt and waited for news after his job interviews feeling sick. I told him all about my career so far in social media & marketing and insisted he'd be great at it too. We endlessly spoke about other worries too; tricky family dynamics, about friends, loyalty and about how he could go about re-finding his love for music. Together, we got him out of a slump, out of retail and into a very trendy East London digital agency. I loved that guy SO hard and he absolutely FLOURISHED. It was so satisfying to see him happier.

You can absolutely guess the next bit.

YEP. He broke up with me unceremoniously right as his life and career really took off. I mean, side note, he did come up with a obscure, random excuse for ducking out, but it was really just *perfect* timing. Since then he's worked for literally the biggest creative marketing agencies in the world, bought a house, fallen totally in love with glamour girls who wouldn't even smile back at me in the queue for the girl's oo, won awards for music, spoken word & film and unfollowed me on Instagram. I'm making myself lol, but it's just so horrifically TRUE. All I'm saying is I think I just deserve some credit for being a stepping stone in human form, getting him to where he always wanted to be (which included away from me, as it turns out). Brill.

Avid readers of my blog may remember D of totally-rogue-facebook-message fame - HERE. He's the one who dabbled in my life back in 2017, then left for 4 years and then returned in 2021 just to cause me more grief, god bless him.

In 2017 D was an absolute commitment phobe and dead set on floating through life as entirely free-spirited and flaky as possible. Like to the point where, even after almost a year together, he'd come out in a cold sweat if someone asked if I was his girlfriend. I mean, I was, in all but name, but looking back that is just utter nonsense, isn't it?!

After all our time together and having seemingly thoroughly enjoyed the 365-day, full girlfriend experience from yours truly, he ended things with me because he 'didn't want a relationship'. A real old chestnut, that. Then, ALMOST IMMEDIATELY - and in a strange move for someone who 'doesn't want a relationship' - D entered into a full blown, in-love relationship for over three years. They moved in together... the whole shebang. Confusing, AMIRIGHT?!

Which is why, when he contacted me in 2021 I should have had my wits about me and PROPERLY assessed the situation, but after him insisting that he'd thought about me the whole time he'd been with her, stupid me thought he might now actually want a relationship with ME TOO. He was doing all this talk about identifying what he ACTUALLY wanted in life and in love. He got a 'normal' 9-5 office job for the first time in his life, attempted to have a routine, started reading self-help books and put effort in to 'working on himself' (his words). We carried on being 'together' (again) for quite a few months more. Wait for it.

As it turned out, all he actually had wanted to do, was to pick up our silly situationship for a few months to ease the pain of his big break up, before basically re-branding himself as a wild and free sexual deviant. I AM NOT JOKING. So, obviously the inevitable happens; He's worse than useless at treating me properly and we 'break up' (can you break up if you're never actually together?!). We consciously uncouple (?) on good terms and for the most part, it works. However it also means I get regular 'hi, friend' updates about how he feels more like himself than ever and how he's finally realised how much he needed to be single to 'find himself'. He explains more than once that 'picking things back up' with me after being in a relationship for so long, was the wake-up call he needed to work on himself. Which is simply fabulous for him, and just a reminder for me that I am a training bra, helping people grow up.

Tragically, in this shit-uation I was the warm-up AND warm-down for his big boy relationship. And if that isn't enough to bring on a toaster bath, I don't know what is.

Guys, I called this post STAMPING stone, because in all honestly 'stepping' is a little too gentile, too soft, too cutesy to describe how this has all felt. And I'd love to tell you that I'm entirely at a LOSS as to how this has been happening to me for over a decade now, but I actually think I've just been wayyy too ok 'going with the flow' and giving way, WAY more than I get in return. I pour myself into the person I'm with and I'm left picking up the pieces afterwards.

If there's one thing 6 months of alone time and rolling around on the bathroom floor with kidney pain will do for you, it's really sharpen your vision of who you'd like to meet next and eventually end up with. Let us all pray that the next man who enters my life might just want to grow TOGETHER as opposed to letting me water them constantly so they can grow APART from me. Amen.

Lx