SOMETHING QUITE DIFFERENT.
- Lizzie Newell
- Feb 7, 2021
- 8 min read
Updated: Sep 2, 2024
I've been going over and over whether to write and/or publish this post for weeks now and I feel like I'm really going off-piste here.
I've got a feeling you're all gunna be like "BRING BACK THE SHAMBOLIC DATE STORIES HUN", but as much as this blog is for my readers, it's also for me. I find writing therapeutic and calming, and so... let me introduce the *very different* subject of today's post: Trying (and failing) to live my best life with a phobia.
With all the brilliant, taboo-smashing conversation that's happening around mental health at the moment, I do always feel like the conversation surrounding phobias is left out in the cold and SO, here we are.
If everyone is sitting comfortably, I shall begin: Hi, my name is Lizzie and I am completely and utterly phobic of flying insects. For the purpose of this post I'm going to say w*sps because honestly, even writing that word makes my chest tight, but my phobia includes bees, moths, butterflies, flies etc.
I bet your initial reaction is one of these three things:
LOL what a drama queen!
Sure, but who likes insects though?
Omg I'm soooo scared of them too!
Reaction 1 is okay, because that is how I always think I'd react if I wasn't me! In the midst of winter, when all the w*sps are tucked away in hell or wherever they come from, I can almost convince myself it's funny too. I literally can get myself to a point where I'm in denial about the whole thing and I get annoyed with myself for being so 'extra'. I sit and think back to times where I've been in situations that could trigger me and I've surprised myself by coping just fine, and then I'm like... so am I really even phobic anymore?! Then I remember a day of multiple panic attacks and reality SLAPS.
Re: Reaction 2 and 3... Let me clarify. I do know that no one would willingly be covered in bees/w*sps/flies (beekeepers maybe but I don't think I've got any such strange folk reading this blog) and everyone is allowed to be scared of what they are scared of. I don't OWN being scared w*sps, and lots of people really don't enjoy their presence. BUT, and I cannot stress this enough, there is a big difference between being scared of something and refusing to go outside for weeks on end in case of encountering that something.
To be officially diagnosed with a phobia means that your everyday life is effected negatively and that you are at very high risk of panic-related episodes. ("Episodes" sounds very dramatic, but I'm trying to educate here!)
There are a lots of different types of phobias. The most common is a phobia linked to learnt behaviour picked up from others around us, and then the harder to treat ones come from an experience that the individual has - sometimes right so and sometimes randomly - filed in their brain under the 'traumatic' tab. Also, most people with a phobia will have an accompanying anxiety disorder - more on that later!
Without going into the back story too far - because I'd be writing for days - my phobia, unfortunately, was linked at an early age to a feeling of being scared and sad. Ever since, at times of heightened stress in my life (breaking up with my first boyfriend, my Dad leaving, starting my first job, moving house, loss of relatives, global pandemic) the phobia has got worse and taken over my life in waves.
I'd been struggling forever, but in my early 20s things really escalated from bad to worse. After spending (honestly) a couple of years point-blank refusing to spend any time outside and having panic attacks like they were going out of fashion, my family finally persuaded me to get help. Honestly, they needed a relief from the constant effects of my phobia too! I am not exaggerating when I say I couldn't, and truly wouldn't, spend ANY time in our own garden from May-October (or open any windows EVER) and actually, I had a bit of a relapse into this behaviour just last year - more on that later, too.
Going through therapy a couple of times has taught me to be very clear when I'm explaining this whole thing, although I know that there will always be people who laugh at it/me.
The fact is, I'm not *actually* scared of any tiny little insect, but my brain has linked w*sps to an emotional reaction that, for me, triggers blind panic, the most upset feeling you could ever imagine and a total loss of control.
If I had to put the terrifying "things" in order I'd say that it's the buzzing noise that plants the seed of panic, then it's the flying around, then it's the actual physical appearance of a w*sp. I find pictures and videos of w*sps extremely tricky, and I don't like the way the word sounds or looks, either.
Oh, I should add here that I'm also not scared of the pain of being stung - sure, it's not nice - but I've been stung a few times, same as everyone, and this is nothing to do with a fear of pain! I'm fairly sure one wasp sting isn't as bad as a four hour tattoo (which was hellish).
If you've never experienced a panic attack it's hard to explain exactly what it feels like. Again, there's lots of different types of panic attack too - from mild to severe - and everyone experiences them differently.
For me, panic attacks involve a complete lack of awareness about where I am, involuntary crying, feeling so completely sad and terrified, feeling honestly like the world might end and I do some pretty major hyperventilating. In the midst of an attack I will regularly bash, bruise, push and scratch myself (and others) without realising, and in the past I have slammed on my breaks in the fast lane of a motorway and jumped out of my car to cry hysterically on the central embankment. A real low point, it has to be said.
Last Summer - I think triggered by lockdown and the fact that it's been almost 10 years since my therapy - I had a series of panic attacks and one of them was when I was walking our new puppy, Jessy. We were walking on a narrow bit of pavement next to a busy road, so my Mum was a little way ahead to keep single file, and a HUGE bumble bee came to see what we were doing, the little bastard. Cue instant and complete panic.
I was suddenly only aware of myself and the bee. I was vaguely aware of stepping out into the traffic to get away, then the tears came, my chest went tight as hell... and then I had a second wave of panic: Did I still have hold of Jessy's lead and/or was she in the road too?
But here's the thing - in that moment I am entirely reacting irrationally, so instead of just looking down to confirm 'yep, I still have her' I let Part II of the panic attack bubble up and make it all seem worse. It wasn't until my Mum had steered us all away from the situation and down the road some way that I realised I had the TIGHTEST hold on Jessy's lead - my hand had gone white.
That incident made me feel marginally better about one of my biggest fears - and a regular recurring nightmare that I have - about holding a friend's baby outside on a hot summer day.
In my dream there's people about, food and drinks, and I suddenly realise the baby has a w*sp crawling on it's arm. At the end of the dream I drop the baby and then I wake up. So, friends with lovely new little ones: until I get this under control I absolutely only want inside cuddles, please.
I have long lists of places and scenarios that I have labelled as 'safe' and unsafe'. A place gets marked as unsafe if I have a close encounter with a w*sp, and I'll simply avoid going back. There's specific areas of the beach (in Whitstable where my Mum lives) that I will and won't sit, there's roads I cannot walk Jessy along. There's a specific way I sit on my balcony so nothing can come from behind me, and at work I will try and position myself with a desk that faces a window so I can see when it's open. I have insect nets on all my windows and doors and even then, I have to psych myself up to open them.
There's pubs and restaurants I will make up ANY excuse not to go back to. There's whole parks I won't visit, and some that I will now only sit in a specific area of. I have to tie my hair up on high-alert days as the feeling of it on my back will trigger panic. I almost failed one of my uni exams because there was a bee in the room and I could do nothing but watch the bee buzz about and hold back tears.
Writing all this, it's occurred to me that the anxiety that comes along with a phobia is actually what makes people able to hide the worst of it. Anxious people tend to present as having their shit SO totally together, because they wouldn't dare show otherwise - that's 100% me!
My severe phobia-related anxiety means that when I get invited to a friend's birthday in a garden / pub garden, from the MOMENT I get the invite I will be analysing, panicking, planning. I usually toy with the idea of making an excuse not to go, and then my anxiety will have me going over and over and over visualising a situation, trying to work out how I'd get away from a triggering situation without causing a scene.
That's another thing - I feel so embarrassed of myself, so often. The over-analysing means that by the time I've actually made it to the event I've almost out-done myself with worry and so I do tend to cope... because I HAVE to. Obviously, sometimes I just can't and thank you to my friends who totally get it.
I think if you asked most people about me they'd say that I love summer, I'm a social person, I love pub gardens, I love picnics, I love holidays, I love having a tan. That's all mostly true, but as things are right now, I think the only person who saw how bad things got again in 2020 is my Mum, who I spent a lot of time with in lockdown!
We often speak very frankly about how my phobia and the panic attacks effect me, but also how it can 'ruin' the day for everyone around me. There were weeks on end where I couldn't even face a daily walk - remember when we were allowed out for 1 hour exercise?! In the end it was just far easier (and more enjoyable) for her to go alone than risk me having a panic attack.
I am THIRTY ONE!! I'm an adult. The honest truth is; getting help feels really daunting as it involves diving into the emotions behind the fear. But I drive myself mad and I know that this has to be sorted, so I'm going back to therapy. This time I'm going to try a combo approach of Hypnosis and CBT - and I'm lining it up for Spring in a hope that Summer might be easier for me (and those around me) this year.
I'm hoping this post is kinda educational, hopefully interesting... and if anyone reading it is dealing with something similar I'd absolutely love to talk. Lx
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