N/A, NOT APPLICABLE.

OH HI it's me, I'm back (again). I'm so sorry for the radio silence; I went on a mini break didn't I? A 2020 staycation, if you will. Pics on my Instagram - @lizzienewewell_x if you enjoy that sorta thing.

Let's jump straight back into it with a tale about 'C'. This post has been in the pipeline for a while but I actually kept having an attack of the conscience as C wasn't a bad guy. He's REALLY tall (6ft 5), really easy-going and, as it later transpired, totally vacant. Lights were on (dimly flickering) but no one was home. Turns out, a bit of sea air, rest and relaxation and a week away from the blog made me decide that it was ok to write about him. I'm a savage, me.

I met C on Tinder and Hinge - cringe. You know when you match with someone on two platforms and you immediately feel a bit desperate and awkward? I HAVE NO SHAME.

We'd done some Whatsapp chit-chat back and forth (admittedly, in hindsight it was mostly me waffling on and him trundling along with an occasional emoji input) and, as I was in my 'just go for nice guys' phase, I decided that his apparent lack of oomph must have been because he was sweet, shy, and a nice person. Aka not a fuckboy.

He really pulled it out of the bag for our first date. I remember at the time reporting back to J (the best friend) that I was giving it a strong 9/10. Despite what I will tell you in the rest of this post, that score for Date 1 does remain, which is no mean feat.

C booked a really posh hotel bar in East London and ordered the most fabulous wine (a guy who would drink wine with me was high on my potential husband list at the time). He paid for the wine and the chips that I needed between bottle one and two of said wine - sorry about me.

We were kinda lounging on a squashy sofa and he confidently rested his hand on my leg as we got more comfortable, but in a non-pervy way which was nice. He also did not comment on the fact that he MUST have been able to feel my magic knicker shorts digging into my thigh, God bless him. He smelt DIVINE, was dressed well and to be honest, I was having such a gorgeous, comfy and winey time that I didn't notice he had no oomph IRL either.

I single-handidly covered all potential conversation subjects in the world and was cracking myself up with all my best first-date jokes, while C enthusiastically smiled, laughed and nodded at me. I was honestly completely unaware of his lack of personality at this point, I promise.

Two more dates ensued and I still didn't deduce that C was adding very little (at times nothing at all) to any conversation. I ONLY started to twig on date four when we were talking WITHOUT the assistance of any white wine...

Me: So, what's your favourite film of all time?

C: Hmm, I don't know you know. What's yours?

Me: I have a few.. I like Prisoners, Shutter Island, Law Abiding Citizen.

C: Oh me too, yeah... those are all in my top 5 I'd say.

Me (with one of my fave questions to ask, like, everyone): If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?

C: Ahhh, hmmm. That's so tricky. What would you have?

Me: Oh, I've given this a lot of thought. I'm having a McDonalds for starter, my Auntie's lasagne with salad and garlic bread for mains, and salted-caramel-anything for desert. Drinks-wise I'm having a diet coke, crisp cold white wine (large) and a lemon vodka ice-slushie.

C: Haha, love that. I don't think mine would be very different to be fair.

Me: You've never had my auntie's lasagne though?

C: No, but I bet it's good.

(Me (thinking): My auntie's lasagne is 10/10, but what sort of LUNATIC chooses food they've never tried for their death row dinner?)

I'd absolutely love to tell you that C developed some incredible personality at this point, and that it was all just a misunderstanding but, alas. Once I'd noticed that he had nothing to say it just spiralled. I tried to coax an opinion out of him a few times, and then gave up. To be fair - I know this sounds mean - but I think he could tell he was annoying me, and that made me feel bad. So, we parted ways after five dates and it was all amicable.

Fast-forward a few months and I'm swiping on Hinge, obvs. Stumbling across C's profile I scroll down to see if he's added any new pics or updated his profile at all, as you do. What I discovered is now the stuff of group chat legend (... I'm sorry C, wherever you are). Somewhat alarmingly, he'd filled out every. single. one. of his 'prompt' answers with N/A, like so:

Hinge prompt: "Do you agree or disagree that..."

C: N/A

Hinge prompt: "Two truths and a lie..."

C: N/A

Hinge prompt: "A life goal of mine is..."

C: N/A

Some thoughts on this:

- How can every personality prompt be "not applicable" to him?

- Perhaps he couldn't fill out the agree/disagree one as he just agrees with who he happens to be with?

- How can you have so little personality that you can't think of anything to write?

- Did he specifically scroll through all possible prompt options, select these three and then still write N/A?

- Are there ANY of the prompts that would be applicable to him?

- Does he not have a life goal... even a funny one?

Unfortunately (for C) me and my friends now regularly use N/A in conversation. An example:

Me: How was your date? J: He was nice but a bit N/A to be honest.

And so, another one bit the proverbial dust, team. Ever since the C experience, I've deliberately tried to hold back my natural chattiness on a first date to double-check that the guy is also able to establish and hold a conversation. I mean obviously that hasn't helped me at all and I'm still horrifically single, but if we don't try and see the lessons in all this then it would be a fairly depressing state of affairs, right?

L x