"MY SISTER IS IN LABOUR..."

We've all been there. The moment you're absolutely CON-VINCED. you've found the one after months (see: years) of shit dates, fuck boys and monstrous ghosting. The conversation is popping, you move from app-chat to Whatsapp super quick because it just feels RIGHT. They're gorgeous, funny AND laugh at all your jokes. You announce to your friends on day two of talking to your future husband that you are, in fact, in love.

This has obvs happened to me more than once - I literally runs towards red flags like the Taurean bull that I am - but this particular post is about Leandro (PSA: I haven't even changed his name, the prick, so watch out for him on Hinge).

Leandro was honestly devastatingly handsome and we'd been chatting for four (ish) days when he asked to take me out. I did a quick assessment that four days did not seem like an alarmingly quick rush, but also not too long to get into the soul-destroying habit of 'Morning x' texts for weeks on end. So - we arranged to meet in Streatham - where I lived at the time and where he said he was happy to drive to (car - check).

When he pulled up at my house I noted - and I never note this - that his car was nice. Don't ask me what car it was, because I honestly don't know but it was kinda black matte, fancy wheels. I'm going to say an Audi because, whatever. He got out of the car to meet me at the end of my garden path and oh my christ, he smelt like all my dreams come true.

As we walked along the High Street chatting (on route to the bar we'd booked) he reached out and held my hand. Again, he HELD MY REAL LIFE HAND BEFORE WE'D EVEN REALLY STARTED THE DATE. I was shook and swooning. He was complimenting every inch of me. Telling me he 'didn't know why' but he felt a real connection already. By the time we arrived at the bar I'd planned marriage, honeymoon and kids names in my head, naturally.

He paid for the first round of drinks and the conversation carried on, me nattering away and him laughing, smiling, adding a comment when he could get a word in. At one point, ladies and gents, he reached out and stroked my cheek and asked 'is it too soon to plan date 2?". Everyone just take that in properly before I continue the story from here.

Suddenly, he reaches into his pocket - "sorry, my phone is ringing" - and answers a call.

"Yeah?

No way!

Oh my god! Really?

As in, right now?

Jesus.

I'm out but...

Ok yes.

I'll be right there."

As he hangs up, his hands are shaking and for a strange minute I think he might cry. He explains that his sister has gone into labour, that she's on her way to the hospital right now and he has to be there. He seems absolutely buzzing with adrenaline, excitement, happiness. He says him and his oldest sister are especially close as they went through tough times together as children.

I am OVERJOYED for him! We leave the bar right then and there - I'm all but running back to his car outside my flat so he can speed off into the night: "We have all the time in the world to finish this date". I even congratulate him on being an almost-uncle. He kisses me as he leaves.

And so, off he goes to the hospital to be there as a new life enters the world. I sit on my sofa for the rest of the night feeling excited and anxious in anticipation of the big news.

The following morning I'd heard nothing, so I decided to message:

"Hey Leandro, hope everything went really well last night. Is your niece/nephew here yet? No rush obviously but l'd love to hear the news - I'm so excited for you all. Congrats again on becoming an uncle! xx"

Two hours later, nothing. Three hours later, his profile picture disappears on Whatsapp. I have been blocked. Four hours later I am two pinots down and decide to see if we're still matched on Tinder, and we are. So - unleashing the inner psycho just a little - I message him just a question mark. That'll show him what a mature and desirable woman I am. A few minutes later, and he's disappeared there, too. Brilliant.

Fast forward to almost a year later, and I'm back on the apps (I say back on and we all know I mean still on) and low and behold huns, who's liked me? ONLY LEANDRO. I've changed all my photos on the app, put on about 25 stone, and no longer live in Streatham... maybe he doesn't know it's me. Or maybe, he DOES and it'll turn out that his phone broke and he's back to claim love of his life???

I scroll through his photos before deciding what to do. His dazzling smile, amazing tattoos, him on holiday with pals, a 'work' photo of him in a suit.... and finally, him and a lookalike baby. His details say he "has children".

Now, I'm no baby expert, but the baby looks about a year old. I 'X' his like; I do not want to start the conversation. If you don't laugh, you'd cry. AM I RIGHT, ladies? Lx